For those unable to access the original, this is the Washington Post article that inspired me. In fact, as I read it for the umpteenth time it still had me howling. ((No need to read the entire thing to get the idea.) Thanks WaPo and all the contributors on this rather, um, unique Memorial Day.<\/p>\n
Not as it seems<\/strong><\/p>\n Kerry Parrish<\/strong>, Garner, N.C.<\/strong><\/p>\n Atmosphere is trendy and up to date, but the thermostat updates daily to 85 degrees as if no one is supposed to be here. A 3-foot squatter keeps eating all the complimentary continental breakfast before anyone else has a chance, and the coffee ran out two days into our stay. On a positive note, the very relaxed resort attire is appreciated, though as indicated by the squatter, I was unaware this was a clothing- optional resort upon check-in.<\/p>\n Stuck in a circus with a toddler ringmaster<\/strong><\/p>\n Austin Graff<\/strong>, Washington, D.C.<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s a circus and the doors lock from the outside. Once inside, you\u2019re never leaving. You\u2019re at the mercy of a toddler who\u2019s barely out of diapers. Advertisements promising \u201cfine dining\u201d and \u201crelaxing massages\u201d are false replaced with half-eaten chicken nuggets and any stillness interrupted 1,134 times a day. Docking a star for false advertising. Wake-up call is at 5:30 a.m., and there\u2019s no slow start to the day. The ringmaster whips you into shape from the moment you wake up, forcing you to enter a world of mind tricks. One minute you\u2019re in a jungle hunting down \u201cbiting tigers.\u201d The next you\u2019re driving to Javier\u2019s birthday party. Within minutes, you\u2019re at the swimming pool learning how to swim. Forget stopping by the concierge\u2019s desk. These games last the entire day, until the ringmaster kicks and screams into bed by evening. Only then does the house come with chilled wine, chocolate and all the Netflix you can numb your exhausted brain with. Sleep a few hours and you\u2019re back at the circus. The ringmaster never rests. Adding a star since the ringmaster is cute.<\/p>\n Great place; terrible birds<\/strong><\/p>\n Natalie Compton,<\/strong>\u00a0Washington, D.C.<\/strong><\/p>\n Super charming! Drawback: There\u2019s a gang of birds that gathers for some sort of bird a cappella practice every morning around 5:30 a.m. No earplugs provided on the side table for guests. I\u2019ve resorted to sleeping next to headphones so I can pop them in and blare music when the birds start screaming at dawn. Really have to crank up my volume because these birds are WAILING. 5 stars for the stay. You can\u2019t blame the place for the birds shrieking through the neighborhood. If you stay here pack earplugs!<\/p>\n Called the health department<\/strong><\/p>\n Tyson Anderson<\/strong>, Salt Lake City<\/strong><\/p>\n The continental breakfast was ok. It was a little sparse on selection but they did have French toast. The problem with this place was that I noticed some of the guests at the breakfast bar were in their bath robes. HOW UNSANITARY. I reported this to the hotel manager but she didn\u2019t seem too concerned. I\u2019ll be submitting a report to the local health department.<\/p>\n Mediocre B&B<\/strong><\/p>\n Kat Brooks<\/strong>, Falls Church, Va.<\/strong><\/p>\n Comfortable accommodations in a quiet neighborhood. Food is decent if you like home-cooked meals at odd hours. Housekeeping really needs to step up their game, though. The place is a mess. Staff seems distracted by their tiny manager. He\u2019s cute, but he cries a lot and frequently falls asleep on the job. Gave an extra star for the dogs. Both are certified good boys.<\/p>\n Quiet, natural getaway<\/strong><\/p>\n Leah Debber<\/strong>, Gorman, Calif.<\/strong><\/p>\n Quaint little retreat set against the beautiful mountains of the Los Padres National Forest. Early spring is the best time to visit as everything is in bloom. Loads of wildlife to watch and if you have any questions, an on-site environmental scientist is there to answer them. Limited WiFi availability, but you get enough reception to survive. You will have to gather your own fresh water once a week though, which seems strange for a hotel. There\u2019s also all-you-can-eat fried rice and a cat that you can walk on a leash. All in all, 4\/5 stars, would recommend.<\/p>\n Shelter from the storm<\/strong><\/p>\n Lisa Dorenfest<\/strong>, Mexico<\/strong><\/p>\n Whether you are circumnavigating the globe or sheltering in placesailing vessel Amandla has it all. A fully equipped kitchen with two freezers and a fridge, propane stove, full stores, and watermaker allow the Italian chef\/skipper to keep the one-person crew well-fed and hydrated. Eco-friendly, the vessel is powered by the wind and sun, allowing its two occupants to minimize their carbon footprint.<\/p>\n Amandla currently offers a 360-degree view of Marina Palmira, but will soon be surrounded by jaw-dropping vistas in the Sea of Cortez during the upcoming hurricane season. The electronic library is filled with books, magazines, movies and training courses to expand your mind. If you prefer board games, many are available, but you will have to let the skipper win occasionally to keep up morale. In port, build endurance by walking around the empty marina docks, cycling to grocery stores or dancing in place while singing out loud. On passage, the sea provides a natural gym: trimming sails and keeping balance while living at a 15-degree angle builds upper body strength and abdominals. And a meditative sense of calm can always be found at sea or at anchor.<\/p>\n This property is fully booked for the foreseeable future.<\/p>\n A unique experience<\/strong><\/p>\n Julie Holzhauer<\/strong>, Naperville, Ill.<\/strong><\/p>\n The rooms are spacious and seem, at first glance, to be clean enough. I don\u2019t think they\u2019d pass any kind of white glove test, though. The staff are horrendous. Three of them spend a good amount of time fighting with each other (loudly), one wants to sit on my lap all the time, and another just lays on the couch all day. The only functional staff member is only available from 5 to 10 p.m. I had to cook my own meals (though the refrigerator and pantry were stocked with fresh options), and often had to clean up not only my own dishes, but also those of several staff members. What keeps this from being lower than 3 stars, however, is the fact that the staff are all fairly forthcoming with both hugs and laughter.<\/p>\n Nirvana no more<\/strong><\/p>\n Kathleen Lominack<\/strong>, Greenville, S.C.<\/strong><\/p>\n Arriving at Chez Lominack in the late evening, I was less than thrilled to see that the highly touted cocktail hour had been wrecked by a band of angry Lilliputians, apparently belonging to the owners. Not only was the valet nowhere to be found, the owners seemed to have drunk all the cocktails themselves, leaving nothing for the guests. Can\u2019t say that I blame them, though.<\/p>\n The Lilliputians seemed restless and on the verge of a revolt; definitely not the peaceful retreat we had envisioned. Nevertheless, we decided to stay the night since it was getting late. However, we were abruptly awakened at 5:47 a.m. with a finger to the eyeball asking US to fix breakfast for a few of the staff members! I couldn\u2019t believe the nerve of these folks; self-absorbed and totally clueless that WE were the guests!! Additionally, the lobby was overrun with toys, including several pointy Legos, which happened to also be strategically placed on the floor as we were getting out of bed \u2014 ouch!! Chez Lominack leaves much to be desired in the way of rest and relaxation and makes one yearn for the comforts of the Four Seasons.<\/p>\n Great view. Lackluster amenities.<\/strong><\/p>\n Brad Japhe<\/strong>, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii<\/strong><\/p>\n When we checked into our Hawaiian bungalow at the beginning of March the staff couldn\u2019t have been friendlier. The bed was made, the linens fresh, there was plenty of toilet paper. But by the 2nd or 3rd week of the stay we noticed something was off. Amenities became sparse (good luck finding paper towels around here); room service now consists primarily of ramen \u2014 although there oddly seems to be a newfound glut of freshly baked bread. The only daily turndown is on the television volume during Trump\u2019s daily briefings. And the laundry service is nothing to brag about, either. Though this isn\u2019t a tremendous drawback if you elect to wear the same pair of sweatpants for weeks on end \u2014 or, so I was told by another guest. Our private butler, Alexa, is always there whenever you call her. However, I find her disembodiment to be staggeringly inconvenient. Also, at times I get this creepy sense that she\u2019s *always* listening to our conversations.<\/p>\n Now onto the bad parts. Waterside accommodations ought to be relaxing. Yet I find the incessant shore-pounding of the waves to be wholly redundant. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, we get it already! Splash, splash!\u201d Even more disheartening: On our lanai, the ethereal hues of the setting sun \u2014 ranging from lavender and fuchsia to burnt amber and sometimes even Navajo sandstone \u2014 are partially obscured by these inconsiderate palm trees, swaying obliviously in the evening breeze. The whole scene feels like it\u2019s just pressuring me to learn the ukulele.<\/p>\n Who could put a price on this experience?<\/strong><\/p>\n Debbie Esposito<\/strong>, Harbor Springs, Mich.<\/strong><\/p>\n Day 30 at this B&B: The food is good; SpaghettiOs are a specialty and guest favorite. The guests provide entertainment with bickering and fighting over TV shows. There is suspense: Who will have to go to the grocery store next and risk death? There are daily activities: cleaning, laundry and giving the cats their pills. You never know when you\u2019ll lose a finger or get cat scratch fever; such adventure. One of the guests insists that we all do a tabata workout daily \u2014 really what could be more fun? But most importantly, every morning we get up to catch a glimpse of the sun \u2014 but it is just snow. It\u2019s everywhere. It never ends. Every f***ing day.<\/p>\n Wildlife viewing, up close and personal<\/strong><\/p>\n Sandra Russo<\/strong>, Gainesville, Fla.<\/strong><\/p>\n I no longer have to go to Africa to observe wildlife sleeping. Do you have any idea how much your own dogs and cats sleep all day long and in what places and positions? Gone are the days of watching lions sleep in<\/p>\n Kruger, tracking lilac breasted rollers or searching for wild dog pups. Instead, I have my own pride (four cats), flock (three birds) and gang (three dogs) to watch. They make wonderful coworkers, although the level of fur and hair has risen dramatically since housekeeping has been suspended.<\/p>\n Snootiness-free vacay<\/strong><\/p>\n Dean Kaiser<\/strong>, Blacksburg, Va.<\/strong><\/p>\n For years we have saved and paid for vacations that might be just a bit beyond our budget, where we could be certain that everyone else there was judging us. We have discovered that home was underrated. We do have a great view of the Blue Ridge, we got the old hot tub bubbling, we are decent cooks, and we can hike out our back yard. Most importantly, the dog is highly nonjudgmental. We try to ignore daily taunting from the cat. Dog, please bring us more wine. Good boy!<\/p>\n Homey vibe and home-cooked food<\/strong><\/p>\n Stefanie Samara<\/strong>, Gainesville, Fla.<\/strong><\/p>\n While boasting of amazing views of bird life, this home is unfortunately decorated in a style which can only be described as \u201chand-me-down,\u201d with a Sears catalogue dining table from the 1940s and bookcases salvaged from a chain store\u2019s closing sale in the 1980s. Despite the decorative flaws, the accommodations are homey and welcoming, with a lived-in vibe that helps you relax. While the other resident works from home, feel free to enjoy the super-fast WiFi, sunbathe naked in the backyard, or indulge in the hundreds of books and movies. The highlight of any visit to this location is the food \u2014 whether breakfast, lunch or dinner, you can be assured of the finest lacto-ovo-pesco-vegetarian cuisine available, sourced from local farmers and vendors through a strict no-contact protocol. Lovers of sci-fi fantasy and cheeses will revel in this home\u2019s offerings. One quirk, which may be off-putting for some particular visitors, is the toilet paper with no center tube, which sits on the bathroom counter between uses. Serious bathroom aficionados may want to bring your own rolls.<\/p>\n Highly rated boutique hotel that doesn\u2019t measure up<\/strong><\/p>\n David Smutny<\/strong>, Arlington, Va.<\/strong><\/p>\n Great first impressions, but ultimately disappointing. The hotel is small, boutiquey and charming, in that shabby-chic way that only terribly expensive hotels can pull off. I think we were the only guests! We\u2019d heard Tom and Gisele might be coming but never saw them. The concierge, \u201cBella,\u201d greeted us. She was short, gray and well-groomed. Her English was nonexistent, but we love trying foreign languages when we travel!<\/p>\n Unfortunately, the service deteriorated quickly. Our room has not been made up in days, despite hanging the little thingy on the doorknob without fail. The hotel\u2019s highly rated restaurant is good, but they take the idea of \u201ccharming cooking classes\u201d too far. Fun, yes, but every meal?!? I wanted to shout \u201cThat Michelin star won\u2019t award itself!\u201d We never saw the chef, despite repeatedly asking for him to stop by, and the concierge stared hard at us every meal. Thankfully, the hotel bar is open 24 hours!<\/p>\n Virtual magic no substitute for real magic<\/strong><\/p>\n Elizabeth MacGregor<\/strong>, Vienna, Va.<\/strong><\/p>\n I booked three nights at a Walt Disney World resort to take part in the Star Wars Rival Run Half Marathon this weekend. In the end, the experience did NOT live up to my expectations.<\/p>\n I was looking forward to staying at one of the newest and most luxurious Disney properties. You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered my lodgings would be nothing more than a suburban tract home. On the upside, it was quiet and parking was free, but on the downside, things were not as fresh or new as I had hoped. The theming was a little hard to discern; though I searched, I could not find any hidden Mickeys. The cast members were my own husband and son. The landscaping was not bad, but the property lacked swimming pools and spas.<\/p>\n On another note, the half marathon course left a lot to be desired. It repeated a loop \u2014 in my own neighborhood — over and over. There were no fireworks, no on-course entertainment, no character greetings, no finisher\u2019s medal or swag \u2014 there wasn\u2019t even a start or finish line!<\/p>\n In sum, the magic was severely lacking for this running \u201cvacation.\u201d<\/p>\n The next time you are forced to self-isolate, check out this little gem<\/strong><\/p>\n Jeanne Costello<\/strong>, Laguna Woods, Calif.<\/strong><\/p>\n After arriving about 30 days ago, we are still impressed with the cleanliness and overall hospitality of Casa Costello.<\/p>\n High Points: Happy Hour. Great selection of wines and other libations out on the patio starting promptly at 5:00 \u2026 unless it\u2019s any day ending in \u201cY.\u201d Then it\u2019s 4 \u2026 or 3 \u2026<\/p>\n Things to Work On: Housekeeping. Spotty \u2014 not really sure what the schedule is, as some days the bed is made and dishes are done promptly. Other days, not so much.<\/p>\n Food: Not the same since the chef from Sardi\u2019s left<\/p>\n Noise Level: Generally quiet, with the exception of the long-earred neighbor with the tail who barges in every morning at 5:40 demanding to be fed. Apparently, he still has somewhere to go every day?<\/p>\n Overall: An inviting, relaxing and welcoming environment in which to spend days on end. Thank goodness, because I\u2019ve lost count.<\/p>\n \u201cJust like home\u201d theme goes too far!<\/strong><\/p>\n Julie Vick<\/strong>, Boulder, Colo.<\/strong><\/p>\n The hotel lobby was overrun with children and was playing a constant loop of \u201cBaby Shark.\u201d When I politely inquired about a babysitter, the hotel staff member laughed in my face and then asked me to figure out how to fix the broken printer. When I fixed it and handed them the Pok\u00e9mon math worksheets, they told me I\u2019d need to cook my own dinner. I would have given this place 1 star if it weren\u2019t for the charming hotel dog, but they\u2019ve taken the \u201cjust like home\u201d theme a little too far!<\/p>\n I was told there would be zombies<\/strong><\/p>\n Jon Chase<\/strong>, Washington, D.C.<\/strong><\/p>\n Let me just start off with this: I try really hard to maintain a positive outlook in most situations, but this apocalypse sucks. Day 1 of lockdown, I was feeling great. I had all the necessities: non-perishables, alcohol and three Army standard-issue Bowie knives. I didn\u2019t need to stock up on toilet paper because I took a note from our European cousins and invested in a bidet. But since then, it\u2019s been one disappointment after another.<\/p>\n Forget everything you\u2019ve ever been told about the end of the world, because so far it\u2019s been downright miserable. There\u2019s no zombies, no warrior tribes, no hunger games, just \u201c90 Day Fianc\u00e9\u201d marathons and $4 wine from Trader Joe\u2019s. I bought these Bowie knives for nothing. In summary, this stay-at-home experience has not lived up to my expectations AT ALL. I would ask to speak to the manager, but I have a feeling that the people in charge have no idea what\u2019s going on, and if they do they\u2019re kind of just figuring this out the same way I am; one episode of \u201c90 Day Fianc\u00e9\u201d at a time.<\/p>\n Desperate in McLean<\/strong><\/p>\n Rayne Guilford<\/strong>, McLean, Va.<\/strong><\/p>\n So let\u2019s just say \u2014 DIY is overrated. This place requires a LOT of you, ok? The cooking and meal prep \u2014 it\u2019s on YOU! There are nice suburban views, and you can sit by the open windows and sniff the air like a dog, because you can\u2019t leave much. You can look out and see the families scootering up the street, walking the pets, vectors all. The one thing they have at this place, and thank God, is a lot of alcohol, because let me tell you, you need it. You are REQUIRED to put on a brave face for the others, be kind, compassionate and even-tempered when it is actually killing you. So make the cocktails, break out the Scrabble and open a good book \u2014 maybe Sartre\u2019s \u201cNo Exit.\u201d Put on a good album, Eagles, maybe. \u201cHotel California.\u201d And settle in for a long, long stay.<\/p>\n Livable<\/strong><\/p>\n Frances Watthanaya<\/strong>, Phutthaisong, Thailand<\/strong><\/p>\n Communal kitchen turned fish slaughterhouse. Shared bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. There\u2019s a 10 p.m. curfew and free early morning wake up call from professional fighters.<\/p>\n